God is funny. In April of 2018, we were not planning to start our family, but when the condom broke and the thought that we could be pregnant came to mind, we decided to build our family. Well months went by with no pregnancy. I went to my doctor and she suggested that I go to an infertility specialist. The doctor we chose to see was an hour away from us. We picked that center because it was known for excellent service and staff that care.
For anyone who has not experienced this journey, it is a lot. A lot of doctor visits, a lot of blood being drawn, a lot of medicine, a lot of tests, and a lot of money. We decided to do IUI (artificial insemination). Robby and I did pray and talked about IVF (in vitro fertilization), but we did not have peace with that or was comfortable with that procedure.
After about two weeks of daily injections, the doctor told me to take the trigger shot and two days after that I would have the procedure. February 5th was the day. I remember being so hopeful. After the procedure, all I could do was wait and hope. Well on February 15th I found out that I was not pregnant. When I realized this, all I could do was say over and over in my head “It is well with my soul.” It was like I was wishing into existence that feeling of it being well, but I was not. The other thought that came to mind was, I have to tell my husband. This broke my heart. It was going to hurt and be hard to give him the news. When I saw him I told him I got my period. So many emotions flooded us after saying and hearing those words. Needless to say we cried; we cried a lot. We mourned the lost of hope we had. We decided to do only one cycle of treatment. We didn’t want to go through this again.
It has been some time since the news and we are well. We know God has children for us. I have always had a deep desire to adopt and we are going through the process for foster care adoption. It is God’s will, in His control of how we are to create our family.
This journey, this trial and test, has taught me something that if I am honest I did not really know. I had the head knowledge, but not the heart knowledge that shows up in everyday life. I learned that He is God and I am not. Yes, I learned that I am not God and that I can’t create life or will it; only God can. I struggle with leaning on my own knowledge and understanding. As an educator and researcher coupled with my desire to control (or as I think of it at times: keeping things in order) it is humbling to know that I cannot fix anything. I can’t create things as I wish. Things happen only under the control of God and as He wills. There is nothing I can do to have one of my desires manifest. This experience has humbled me and has brought me closer to God. To a place where I know who I am and understand that in everything I long for and in everything in life, it is only Him that can create and provide.
I find myself in a freeing place of trust with my Lord, in a place of hopeful peace. There is so much more to this story, that I will share another time. This is not the end to my story. God has and is working this for my good. Looking forward to sharing the next chapter after the Lord writes it.